I and my partner were a couple who even had thoughts of going childfree. We were there for each other and I always felt if there could be any space to appreciate a child. I was so skeptical of many things that come under motherhood. Somehow at one point in time, I was okay to enter parenthood but with full of doubts and confusions.
When I got pregnant, I was always keen about birthing respectfully. I was doing whatever I felt right and wise to me. I was a responsible mother, but I didn’t connect with that growing human within me earlier. At my 37th week check up at Birthvillage Natural Birthing Center, my dearest Priyanka Idicula talked to me about connection. She told me that I and my baby are physically doing good but I had to connect with the child emotionally.
Being a first time mother(FTM), I was just not able to communicate with my baby. I took it very lightly thinking it is not going to have any effect on my baby. Definitely, it didn’t harm but I missed reaping some beautiful benefits too. I am writing this as a part of parenting and birth story as I believe many women may be on the same page as me. This story may help/resonate with other mothers and may shed hope.
With my midwife Priyanka taking consent for every touch and not over powering me, firstly I felt safe. I was allowed and helped to stay mindful. Secondly, I felt peaceful. I can talk anything to the team; thirdly, I felt assured. Being at the space, I wasn’t dictated of undressing in the labour, captivated with machines, given enema or restricted to scream/cry/laugh. Instead, I was honored with love, support and respect, my birthing wasn’t just natural, it was liberating, respectful and meaningful.
Like many mothers, I also had my postpartum depression (PPD). Yes, it was tough but I didn’t carry through any trauma of the birthing process because of the respectful birthing. It made battling of PPD so much unique and it became a self healing phase to me. Like many of friends knew, I was just not able to process the demise of my most loving father and grandmother. I always felt lost and hopeless. All through my life, I had been very unforgiving. I was unforgetting. I had wanted perfection in any relationships. I had been self-critical. I hadn’t been aware of myself. I was not an easy ‘NO’ sayer. I had been always invalidating my intuitions, thoughts and feelings.
But I met peace in my fluctuating graph of PPD at one point and I realised that the journey in itself is a process of self realisation. I allowed my feelings to naturally flow through my body, and didn’t seek for anything right/wrong. I watched my unregulated emotions. Time slowly became my teacher. Immense love, care and support are the basic requirement for a mother in PPD. I owe all my breastfeeding success to Ms. Effath Yasmin who had been my guiding light and support throughout the phase.( My experiences with breastfeeding, baby health and mental health are separate story to be written)
The respect, freedom and choice that I was given at birth made me realise the necessity of handling any relationship/situation in my life with the same love. My relationship with my husband grew even stronger. I slowly bonded with the baby. Initially I was just a 100% responsible mother. Then, I totally turned into a 100% affectionate mother.
I became a person who could talk out even the most uncomfortable situations with my partner with no yelling, screaming, complaining, etc. (For Pradeep being the most dignified conversation holder at any level of temper, the transformation to me stayed easier) Instantly, my marital relationship took a new dimension of happiness and comfort. I started accepting people for who they are. I began to feel compassionate. I started feeling content. The sense of satisfaction bloomed. I accepted death and life. Most of all, I was rewired to stay calm through the storm. I observed the abundance and richness of life through my child.
Reading through that as a philosophy hadn’t brought any sustainable change in me. Going through a serene birthing experience had brought in a thorough evolution within mySELF. I am happier with my people now than ever before. I totally believe, any choice for a women through out pregnancy, has to be acknowledged and accepted. Every human after birthing wants to be the best to their children. This conviction takes every one to be a person full of humane values. There starts the concern for environment and climate change. The responsibility of giving a clean earth to the children becomes priority and the path to sustainable living is laid.
To many of us, the modern world has shrunk the process of child birth to a simple reproductive exercise. The very idea of birth is ‘LIFE’ . Like in work, home, school, and everywhere, feminist voices are to be heard the loudest in birthing too. After all, women make this earth. I deeply personally believe that all we talk about sustainable living, war free earth, healthy life, coexistence, tolerance, equality, and many much more for the earth to be a better place, could only be a distant dream to humankind until women at birth are respected.
I am writing this because I know women who were undressed without choice in the labour room(many aren’t known that they have a choice), touched without taking consent for checkup through the process(made to believe touching for checkups do not need consent), staying naked with many professionals for their training regardless of the woman’s gender comfort, weren’t revealed the baby’s gender instantly after birth, separated from baby without any medical necessity for quite some time, intervened without necessity and pushed to unnecessary C-Section, kept husband/other personal support person away, not allowed to scream in the labour labelling it noncooperative and being abusive through the birth. I have seen women who were made to feel less of their own body from birthing to things as simple as cosmetics.
This story in every means respect the women who have had elective c section/ intervened out of medical necessity. It is just to bring out how indigestible it is dictate a women to have a the most haunting experience in Her birth. The most worrying part of it is the horrible normalisation of it.
When women are disrespected at birth, no philosophy can heal the world. Self respect is the essential aspect for any life form. Women who give life to humankind need to be held in high esteem. A free mother strives to be a better parent. It in turn makes her a better human and her child a happier being. She in turn nourishes her self and transforms in to free person. When children and women are happier, we are connecting the dots for a harmonious world.
RespectfulBirthing is not a choice, is not women’s right. It is a fundamental human right.
Places like BV and people like Priyanka are needed more and more to support safer and informed birthing.
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Author
Gowthami
The documentary producer of the famed ‘Arasiyal Arasiyar’ series of Kalaignar TV that brought Dravidian woman leaders to a wider audience, Gowthami is an IT engineer who completed Management studies at University of Glasgow’s Adam Smith Business School. A free thinker and Dravidian ally, she is an entrepreneur running a successful business as well.
