Relationship beyond wedlock is often the revenge of the deserted possibilities – Esther Perel.
The term Extra means “Excessive”. Something that you already have , yet you are greedy of more and you get excess to what you already have at your disposal. But who defines “Extra” for relationships outside of marriage? How is it Extra? How would you conclude that it is Excessive? I was also once upon a time being judgemental of the relationships beyond marriage, especially when it came to women. It was a jolt to me when i read the book “The Toilet Seat” by Latha, who questions and addresses the whole outlook towards this stigma.
As per Esther Perel, Men look for relationships outside of their marriage out of boredom and fear of intimacy but women pursue out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy.
I would like to explore a few major factors that affect partnerships.
Void in Intimacy
A decline in expressions of love, affection, and romantic gestures can contribute to feelings of emotional distance. Lack of open and honest communication about needs, desires, and concerns. Negative body image or low self-esteem can affect a woman’s ability to enjoy sex and feel comfortable being intimate with her partner. And then there is porn predominately to cater to men.
The allure of porn hits on a psychological level. There are cruel instances where men watch porn to get into the mood while the women await them in the next room. How unjust is this? The lack of physical intimacy is also the reason for the lack of foreplay, romance, intimacy and attachment while the vulnerabilities that porn addresses and especially in men as they are the primary viewers and consumers.
Porn addresses three critical male vulnerabilities, in porn you are never rejected. You always have a very willing person who would give more and more without questioning or raising concerns hence there is no fear of being rejected or having performance anxiety. Lastly, it doesn’t matter when you cum, as you do when you want to, yet do not worry if you are doing it well or not well.
For most Men, the act of sex might depict the image of porn but when it comes to women, we talk about erotica. We have a way of playing with the thought, where our imagination lies. But women have fear of their desire being too much for their part. While it is hysterical that women had a history of being considered nymphomaniacs and having too much desire compared to today when they are troubled for not having enough desire. So, who defines the appropriate amount of desire women should have for her partner? Because even that is part of culture wherein masturbation is still an act performed by men. Here is the truth, women too love to masturbate.
Women enjoying sex need not be such a huge taboo in a heterosexual relationship. The big reality in today’s sexual relationship among couples is that either the women are faking it or just lying down like dead meat while they wait for the man to finish and move over without even a hug or kiss.
So, when both partners talk about sex and enjoyment of life, it ignites the spark within them as sex is one of the great pleasures of life that one can enjoy themselves. Sex when done right brings poetry to life.
Power dynamics
Gender plays a major role in power dynamics in Indian society. In modern relationships, we are moving towards partnership, yet our system upholds the patriarchy and toxic masculinity upright. Today’s oppression has taken a different path away from physical control towards emotional control and gaslighting. If a man takes up the household chores, deep within he expects to be acknowledged, appreciated and put up on the pedestal. (I have heard a few men sarcastically asking for their statues to be erected given their contribution towards the household chores. That is when I imagined what would happen if we actually had statues for all our mothers). What an irony. While the women are becoming financially independent, the men in the households are imagining as if they are losing the control they enjoyed, while they had financially dependent wives. So, all that is left now is not much physical or financial dominance, but rather Gaslighting and Emotional control.
For all of history, we saw men as the natural luminous, uncomplicated, clear identity and women were these complicated, mysterious ones we couldn’t figure out and while it never was that obvious, in every field then why is a man asked to prove his manhood? Maybe masculinity is an identity that is very hard to acquire and easy to lose which makes it actually quite a bit more fragile.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse in which one person seeks to make another doubt their perception, memory, logic, emotion, point of view or sanity. The term originated from a play called “Gas-Light”, where a husband tries to make his wife believe she is going insane by manipulating the gas lights in their house.
In a gaslighting scenario, the manipulator uses various tactics to undermine the victim’s confidence and sense of reality.
Denial: The manipulator denies that certain events or conversations ever took place, causing the victim to question their memory.
Minimization: They downplay the victim’s feelings and experiences, making them believe their emotions are irrational or unwarranted.
Deflection: The manipulator shifts blame onto the victim, making them feel responsible for the manipulator’s behaviour. False information: They provide false information to confuse or mislead the victim.
Withholding: The manipulator withholds important information or affection to create insecurity and dependence.
Projection: They project their own negative traits or behaviours onto the victim, making the victim doubt their self-worth.
Gaslighting can occur in personal relationships where one person seeks to gain control or power over another. It is a harmful form of emotional manipulation and can lead to long-term damage to the victim’s self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being. Recognizing gaslighting is essential for the victim to seek support and take steps to protect their emotional and psychological health.
Lack of Communication
Like we don’t acknowledge the significance and need for self-love or alone time, we don’t prioritize conversations in almost any kind of relationship. Every human being wants to be heard, seen and understood. One always wants to drill their truth into the other hence individuals always attempt to pour their heart, their feelings, sadness, and disappointments with their partner. But listening is not just to hear what the other person says rather it is our ability to enter the experience of the other person, even though the experience might be very different. How to understand your partner when they feel left out, when you know that is not what their intent was? How to hold our experience while trying to connect to our partner’s experience without feeling subservient. Conversations are crucial to build any relationship and problem-solving as well. But, many don’t understand the process of conversation because conversation doesn’t mean that you put your thoughts out there and just hear the other person out only to argue back. The key to any conversation is to listen to process and understand, be in the shoes of the other person and connect with the person. Be kind, empathetic and considerate towards our partners. Treat them as an individual instead of property bonded for life.
There needs to be comradeship and partnership instead of authority or subjugation in the relationship between two people.
Emotional disconnect
The unsaid fact is women feel emotionally neglected or unfulfilled in their relationships, they constantly seek emotional intimacy and connection. If a woman’s need for affection, appreciation, or attention is not being met in her marriage, she may look for someone who can fulfil those needs.
Lingering unresolved issues or recurring conflicts can create tension and hinder emotional and physical intimacy. The partner who feels emotionally disconnected would always be seeking validation and self-esteem. Feeling neglected or taken for granted in the marriage can push some women to seek affection and appreciation elsewhere.
In any relationship what is crucial is to not ask “Who is the bigger victim”. That thought process will trigger self-doubt and self-validation where one will always try to explore “What is wrong with me”? Every culture has done a very good job of trapping everyone into a system of pressures for which you can end up feeling constantly inadequate.
The day when we empathize to hear, listen and process our partner’s concerns with kindness either we will come to a common ground of understanding on course correction or we will be able to let go instead of trying hard consciously or sub-consciously to uphold the social mandate of being together.
Conclusion
As much of our growth comes from suffering, which inculcates the need and desire to understand relationships, and our partners and to learn from each other as basically we fight over the same thing that we discovered on day two of our relationships and that is how basic most of the arguments are. As Howard Markman, Ph.D. Professor of Psychology at the University of Denver and Director of the Centre for Marital and Family Studies, in his research, says, mostly it is about who relinquishes to the other, which means who has the power to impose the decision on the other, the next is about trust, can we count on each other? While one makes the decision, do they keep in mind the preferences of their partner, care for their partner and it is about respect and recognition. How much value does our partner’s opinion hold? These are the three primary underlying dynamics that people really argue or fight over.
So a good relationship is a foundation with wings, so one feels the stability, security, and safety and at the same time, is able to go and explore, discover, and be curious sometimes together and sometimes individually.
Love is the moment you can experience peace, you are no longer selling yourself, proving yourself, trying to capture somebody’s attention and focus on us as an individual on what we bring to the table for our partner, the responsibility we take and how generous we are with our partners. While our pursuit of happiness might make us miserable, instead we should pursue integrity, depth, joy, caring, compersion, aliveness and connection to grow together.
Hence instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story that entails, edits and revisions.
We all collide in silence and grow up in silence.
References:
Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs by Esther Perel
We Can Work it Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict (Putnam) by Prof. Howard Markman and Prof. Clifford Notarius.
About the author
Kavitha Pandian
Kavitha Pandian is working in an IT company in the USA as a practice manager. She runs many initiatives including the Save Tamilnadu Farmer, Our Village Our Responsibility, and Adopt a Village and extends financial support and scholarship to underprivileged children for education, and betterment of rural life and has supported the people of Tamil Nadu during major natural disasters including Gaja and Covid. She has received many awards including ‘The Women Achievers Award’ by FeTNA, USA, in 2022. She also was felicitated by the District Collector, Virudhunagar during the 75th Independence Day celebrations, 2022, for her work towards infrastructure.
