Don’t teach your son that girls are meant to be protected teach him that he has to create a world where girls don’t have to be afraid of anyone. – Rituparno Ghosh
Consent enables healthy relationships, respect for individual autonomy, and harm prevention. It refers to the voluntary agreement given by a person who has the capacity to make an informed decision to engage in a particular activity or behaviour. Consent is essential in various contexts, including sexual encounters, medical procedures, and other interactions that require respect for personal boundaries and bodily autonomy.
Consent is also crucial for preventing harm and avoiding situations of abuse, exploitation, or violence. In the context of sexual encounters, for example, consent is necessary to ensure that all parties involved are comfortable and safe. Without consent, sexual activity can become a form of assault or rape, which can have devastating physical and emotional consequences for the victim.
As per the National Crime Records Bureau, 2021 the cases of sexual offences including child rape under the Protection of Children from Sexual Offences Act at 38.8%.
In 2021, there were 53,874 cases under various sections of POCSO involving 54,359 victims. Offenders’ relation to a child victim in cases under sections of POCSCO pertaining to penetrative sexual assault and aggravated penetrative sexual assault shows that of the 33.348 cases in 97.1% cases, the accused was a known person. Out of the 32,365 cases involving a known person, in 2,885 cases, the person was a family member. The age profile of 33,503 victims in cases that fall under sections dealing with the most heinous sexual offences under POCSO shows that 675 were below six years, 3,297 were between 6 to 12, as many as 13,256 were between 12 to 16 years and 16,275 were between 16 to 18 years. Out of all victims, 317 were boys.
One day, my 4-year daughter came in and said Amma “No means No Right”? For a second I had too many things rushing inside my mind like how the kids learn so quickly. I have learned the hard way that every child must know the “Safe and Un-Safe touch”. Children must know that No One has the right to touch them inappropriately (Lips, Chest, Bum, Private part) and it is important to teach the name of body parts as it is.
This will give them the idea that it is their body and anyone touching them inappropriately must hear a clear “NO” and immediately let their parents know about it.
For the children to be able to open up to their parents, the onus is on the parents. It is the parent’s responsibility to create a bond of trust. When their child looks at them helpless or clueless or uncomfortable in the arms or lap of any person, the parent must immediately jump in and help their child. Another responsibility of the parents is to ensure that they don’t allow un-trustworthy people near their children. Unfortunately, we still live in a world where we shut down the victims, especially young children in most cases.
Because, do you know how a child feels when a random uncle makes them sit on their lap and inappropriately touches them? The child first feels confused about what is happening to them. Should they say “No”? Because if they say ‘No’, then will their parents discipline them by saying ‘Why did you disrespect elders?’ As that is how most children are raised.
‘Respect elders’, ‘Listen to elders’, ‘Obey elders’, ‘Don’t talk against their words’. Almost every child is forced to recite a poem, sing a movie song, dance, or give hugs or kisses to people irrespective of whether the child wants to or not. If they refuse, then they are disciplined. By the time the child tries to wrap their mind around what exactly has happened to him or her while their father or some random uncle touched or forcibly kissed them or hugged them, it becomes a mammoth struggle for the child just to understand what is happening.
Yet, they gather the courage to come and tell their parents. It is important that the parents have the guts and grit to stand up for their child. The irony is that many times these abuses, assault and crime on their own child happens right in front or beneath the nose of their parents. Sometimes, the parents don’t know how to react and stop, or they stay and witness in silence.
Unfortunately, in our families, we talk about the glory and glitters of how truthful and how courageous our children should be while facing this world but when it comes to parents predominantly, they fail terribly in front of their children by not taking a stand, not facing the perpetrator, not bringing the wrongdoer to task. Instead, “Unfortunately that young child is rather silenced and is taught to forget”.
That child never forgets about how their parents betrayed their trust, or how their close relations violated their physical body and soul. They are traumatized for life. They grow up having trust issues or end up being Over thinkers who are always preparing their hearts to face heartbreaks and some even end up being ‘people pleasers’.
Every child growing up to adulthood itself is challenging, confusing and complex, with all of that now, imagine a child who underwent sexual abuse and whose parents just brushed it under the carpet. Now that is the child who has to try to move on in life and make it big but all with the burden of their mental health issues plaguing them. In silence for decades, until maybe one day, they garner the strength to acknowledge the fact that “the shame is not theirs to carry but of the perpetrator” who has been living in close proximity all these years of growing up.
Hence it is important for parents to trust their children when they communicate with you. More important, “Stand up for your children”, “Listen to them”, “Pay attention”, “Believe them”, “Take a stand for them” and “Empathize and be kind” towards your children.
While we teach respect to our children, it is as important to teach about consent. Consent requires children to ask before they touch each other’s bodies as early as preschool. Also, teach them the power of the word NO. Many parents and adults make NO a joke, NO is NOT a joke, so next time when your child or any child says No, then you must stop tickling them or wrestling with them, hugging them, and trying to kiss them forcefully. Don’t make a joke out of their “No”.
Hence, No means NO. Not now means NO, I am tired means NO, I am not sure means NO, Maybe means NO, Silence means NO and ONLY YES MEANS YES!
About the author
Kavitha Pandian
Kavitha Pandian is working in an IT company in the USA as a practice manager. She runs many initiatives including the Save Tamilnadu Farmer, Our Village Our Responsibility, and Adopt a Village and extends financial support and scholarship to underprivileged children for education, and betterment of rural life and has supported the people of Tamil Nadu during major natural disasters including Gaja and Covid. She has received many awards including ‘The Women Achievers Award’ by FeTNA, USA, in 2022. She also was felicitated by the District Collector, Virudhunagar during the 75th Independence Day celebrations, 2022, for her work towards infrastructure.
