When I was trying to get out of an abusive marriage the reaction of most people both from close circles and even strangers was that I should have known how to manage such situations. As though I should have known how to manipulate my partner into being a better person! As though it was solely my fault that he behaved that way… That if I had known how to handle him from the start things would not have escalated this much.
But are we even taught how to handle these types of situations? Do we even know what an inappropriate situation is? Do we know what even constitutes respectable or abusive behaviour between two people?
Right from when we are babies we are only expected to obey when an adult expects a certain type of behaviour. When a child questions it, the answer usually is that is how things are. There is no question of changing the status quo. It is shocking how much of the parenting of the previous generation was actually based on gaslighting the child into a certain kind of behaviour.
But this results in so much confusion and inner turmoil while growing up doesn’t it? When an adult, who can be even a parent is inappropriate or misbehaves, the blame almost always is on the child. Whether it be a father who gives physical punishment or a relative who is sexually abusive the shame forced on the victim- the child, the words – ‘you should have known better and behaved better’, are thrown around so easily. If that person is a stranger then at least he is questioned. But if the person is a relative or known person that’s it. He faces no shame or punishment. He can carry on doing whatever he wants.
Maintaining cordiality with family and relatives takes precedence over defending the child. Everything that is wrong gets normalised.
When the child is left undefended they have no realisation that it is wrong behaviour or that it is a red flag. No one ever sits and explains what an abnormal behaviour it actually was and that it is a red flag. The child only learns to keep silent and avoid all such situations or thinks that such situations are normal and reenacts it on someone else.
Any behaviour of an adult is to be tolerated whereas there is no window for a healthy way of interaction between children of the opposite gender of the same age. Everything normal or healthy becomes a forbidden fruit which adds to the confusion. What happens when an entire generation of such children grow up and become adults? For most women, there is no opportunity to even interact with people and identify what is a green flag. We do not have a clue about how to have boundaries in relationships both personal and professional.
Again the same thread entangled through it all – Never question the behaviour of someone older than you, as it can never end well. Never in the process of adulthood are we even giving a thought to red flags.
And then comes a sham called arranged marriage – where it is legal to conceal whatever red flags you have and marry a commodity – the dowered wife. Then starts the power play – where the wife almost always ends up in the lowest rung of the ladder. How else could it be in a country where consent is a word unheard of? So it becomes easy for the ones above her on the ladder to abuse her in any way they want. How easy has the web been spun- that an ideal woman and a good wife never reveal anything of the husband or her in-laws, and is not in communication with anyone outside her new family?
The woman could even be working or it could even have been a love marriage but still, there is not much chance of climbing high on the marital ladder. Whatever happens, the wife is supposed to stay quiet and adjust to whatever the issue may be. Even on the rare occasion, she discusses with people she trusts, the response will be the same – be quiet, don’t make the issue bigger, try to adjust – that’s the norm etc. And when the situation becomes unbearable ending in extreme violence or even death, the same people will say she should have spoken up sooner and that it is her fault for not knowing how to adjust.
For most, by the time they even get to the point of understanding red flags and trying to get out of it, they are trapped in a dependent situation with kids with no way out. The way out of an abusive relationship is not easy. And some of the women who consider themselves martyrs for having stayed silent and adjusted, and lived through an abusive marriage cannot tolerate another woman trying to forge a better life. And they would make the path extremely difficult for the women choosing a better path- be it a female social welfare officer, police or even a Judge.
At least this generation is a little better, that we have started talking about good touch and bad touch. But that is just a tiny bit forward, isn’t it? We need to give our children the freedom to think and choose for themselves. How else would they become confident enough to question someone who is wrong even if it is their parent? What better way is there to make sure that their path is of green flags not red?
About the Author
Grace
An avid reader and a creative soul finding beauty in everyday experiences and trying to explore different paths and live beyond limitations.
